This week was one of fervent anticipation all across America, as experts carefully prepared to open the two hundred year old time capsule found underneath the Massachusetts State House in December.

The capsule, which was buried by Paul Revere and Samuel Adams, contained various colonial coins, newspapers in still-readable condition, and to the surprise and shock of historians everywhere, a crumpled draft of the constitution including some amendments that apparently “didn’t quite make the final cut.”

Among the pages were several articles of interest including “By thee way, we the people of the United States, in pursuit of a more perfect union in which all men are created equal, declare that all races are to have all the same rights as white people, and that they are actually pretty cool.”

In reaction to the news, Jesse Jackson was quoted as saying, “shucks, man.”

Another original amendment read, “On the fifth day of the week, the bars and pubs of our nation shall stay open until at least two strokes past midnight in observance of ‘Thirsty Thursday,’” suggesting the priorities of our founding fathers; the first American frat.

Another passage worth noting was the inclusion of a holiday that was to occur the week after President’s Day, entitled “People Who Were Also Super Important to the Founding of Our Nation But Were Not Presidents Day.”

Ross Perot empathized with the inclusion of the holiday, suggesting that “people who aren’t president are people too.”

This incredible find surely makes one wonder what our country could have been. Hidden in the papers of the original draft of the constitution was also a note from Thomas Jefferson that Stanford students can take to heart: “edit!”

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