(Idaho City, Idaho): Over this winter vacation, high school senior Harry Enright achieved the dreams of many of his peers: he was accepted early action into Stanford University. Despite Enright’s acceptance, however, his continued mediocrity still leaves his community a little underwhelmed.

“After Harry received his acceptance letter, I expected his writing would automatically become more intellectual,” confessed Enright’s English teacher. “I thought he would start using sophisticated, long words…you know, big-boy words worthy of a Stanford-admitted student.”

 “I asked Henry to recite the first book of the Aeneid in dactylic hexameter I assumed, since he got into Stanford, he would, of course, be able to do intellectual things like that,” stated a hairdresser who remembers cutting Harry’s hair in late December, after he had received his Stanford letter. Much to her surprise, Harry’s acceptance did not automatically diminish his previously existing ordinariness.  “Instead of reciting it, he asked me whether I had seen the latest issue of “People” magazine,” she shared. “I wasn’t impressed.”

“I know Stanford says that it never makes a mistake when it admits members of its newest freshman class,” said an anonymous source. “But I’m thinking the school may change its mind; I think it has seriously underestimated just how mediocre this kid truly is.” The source was later identified at press time as Patricia Enright, Harry’s mother.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events

New Vietnamese Restaurant Coming to Campus: Pho Queue

Vietnamese chain restaurant Pho Queue is coming to Stanford. Famous for its…

Sex in Steam Tunnels “Too Hot and Steamy”

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION- Two freshmen were spotted emerging sweaty and red-faced from Stanford’s…