Following a week of tragedy, unspeakable violence, irresponsible reporting and indefensible politicking and legislative gridlock, sources across the nation are reporting that a relatively small number of assholes are seriously fucking it up for the rest of us. While traumatic and disheartening, each report comes with the caveat that the vast majority of Americans have handled themselves in reasonable, even admirable, ways. However, the fact remains that a couple stupid, selfish jackasses with delusions of grandeur really screwed the pooch this week.

“Really? Seriously, what the fuck you guys,” the nation said collectively. “Please. Just stop blowing shit up. And refusing to pass reasonable gun control legislation. And, for fuck’s sake, don’t use the Boston terrorists as an excuse to block immigration reform.”

It has also been confirmed that the national media, rather than dealing with these trying situations in a composed, evenhanded way, were basically just throwing shit at the fan. While much of the nation has treated the media’s frenzy of fear-mongering and poor reporting with well-deserved scorn, a small group of ratings-crazed jackasses continues to abuse its position of privilege.

“They caught the bombers! They’re black! They’re brown! They’re Muslim! Let’s check Twitter,” they explained, throwing caution and journalistic integrity to the wind.

Preliminary reports suggest that the majority of Americans, though worn out and disappointed, can be found cleaning up after the froth-mouthed hooligans who really let them down. In spite of it all, many remain hopeful. There are more of us than there are of them. Sure, they fucked up a lot of stuff. But there were many more heroes who came to the aid of victims and who continue to fight for common sense legislation. As of press time, the assholes still haven’t won.

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