According to a representative, the Stanford Admissions office just today announced several changes to its online application. More thoughtful and profound, the application will now consist of the following essay questions:

  •  What matters to other people and why do you give a shit?
  •  From Mother Theresa to Nelson Mandela, some figures from history inspire us to do greater things. What’s your idea for a location- based, big data, disruptive image-sharing, social media application?
  •  What makes you happy? Actually, fuck that, what do you think we want to hear?
  •  Among the cancers you have cured, which was most memorable and why?
  •  Have you ever seen those cans of aerosol cheese? What’s with them? Who buys that shit?

In order to get a better feel for an increasingly diverse collection of applicants, Stanford has also announced the following “yes/no” questions:

  •  Is your last name Arrillaga?
  •  Are there any aspects of your life that are not both amazing and super chill?
  •  Do you know how to coach underachieving, overfunded football teams?

Please enter below the confirmation number texted to you.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…