According to a representative, the Stanford Admissions office just today announced several changes to its online application. More thoughtful and profound, the application will now consist of the following essay questions:

  •  What matters to other people and why do you give a shit?
  •  From Mother Theresa to Nelson Mandela, some figures from history inspire us to do greater things. What’s your idea for a location- based, big data, disruptive image-sharing, social media application?
  •  What makes you happy? Actually, fuck that, what do you think we want to hear?
  •  Among the cancers you have cured, which was most memorable and why?
  •  Have you ever seen those cans of aerosol cheese? What’s with them? Who buys that shit?

In order to get a better feel for an increasingly diverse collection of applicants, Stanford has also announced the following “yes/no” questions:

  •  Is your last name Arrillaga?
  •  Are there any aspects of your life that are not both amazing and super chill?
  •  Do you know how to coach underachieving, overfunded football teams?

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