Following a shocking admission that both evolution and the Big Bang theory exist, the Catholic Church decided to once again surpass its ridiculously low standards by acknowledging that the first season of Full House is in fact fictional. For years, high-ranking members of the Vatican refused to concede to the obviously scripted nature of the show and maintained their stance that the season was in fact a documentary mini-series of a quirky family from San Francisco.

                “We understand that the Bible reference ‘Let light shine out of darkness’ is commonly misinterpreted as the coming of Uncle Jesse, but God is not a magician like that,” said a strikingly progressive Pope Francis in a statement to Playboy magazine, “God cannot just create fictional characters at will; the very real and very attractive John Stamos had to fill those shoes.” With regards to the laugh track, Pope Francis had this to say: “It is also safe to acknowledge that it is not God snickering at his creation, but is in fact a studio audience.”

                The Pope and high-ranking cardinals are still deliberating on the fictional status of later seasons, as it is still firmly believed that the cuteness of the baby Olsen twins could only be due to some direct intervention from a higher power. Although adopting a more progressive stance in this case, the Catholic Church still has not changed its stance on an alternative statement regarding another popular sitcom: “And God said unto the people, ‘Thou shall be disappointed in the finale of How I Met Your Mother.’”

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