Op Ed: Creamed Corn is Not Very Useful

November 18, 2014 10:00 am
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Op Ed: Creamed Corn is Not Very Useful

The main reason why creamed corn is not useful is because it cannot be used for many things. Of course, it can be consumed as a food. But, that’s about it. You can’t drink creamed corn. If you do, you’ll be a social outcast and your only friends will be…never mind, you won’t have any friends. Straight from the can? That’s disgusting. Pull yourself together.

You can’t use creamed corn as toothpaste or even as a coat hanger. If you try to hang your coat on creamed corn, your coat is not gonna get hung. But it is gonna get creamed corn all over it. A lot of people don’t know that you can’t use creamed corn to take showers with. Believe it or not, if you try to bathe in creamed corn, it will actually make you dirtier. Unless you’re a pig. In which case you would eat all the creamed corn off of you and then you’d be cleaner than before.

If you freeze creamed corn, then you can use it as a paperweight, but it’s not like paperweights are very useful. Is your office in a wind tunnel? Then cut it the fuck out; your child didn’t know what to get you for father’s day. Even if you like paperweights, the creamed corn would melt all over your papers. Your papers would still be weighted down, but you wouldn’t be able to read them very well with creamed corn all over them. That isn’t very useful. Unless you only like your papers to be weighed down for a few seconds before you like to enjoy a creamed corn popsicle. Then it is very useful.

Almost nobody cares about creamed corn. It’s like Lance Bass from *NSYNC: it’s always there, but nobody wants to eat it. You’re totally wrong if you think creamed corn is useful. If you think that creamed corn is useful, you probably think creamed spinach is useful, too, you fucker. You’re wrong about both.