Reports from Friday night indicate that Joe Biden managed to “score some killer Big C,” and had set to work obsessively cleaning the entirety of the Oval Office in nothing but his underwear. Listening exclusively to Peal Jam on a small 1998 Sony Walkman, the former United States Senator from Delaware reportedly ignored the concerned voices of the President and First Lady, continuing to use a toothbrush to scrub the furniture and walls for the second time in as many weeks.

“It’s the rich man’s Aspirin! Now get out of my way,” the vice president stated candidly, a bottle of Mr. Clean multi-surface liquid cleaner tightly clenched in his hand. “I tell you what; I’m fucking soaring right now and you can’t bring me down. If Dick Cheney has the nerve to show his face around here, I’m going to punch him right in his fat head.”

Sources suggests that the President was finding the behavior “more and more of a nuisance each week,” as a cocaine-addled Biden accusingly yelled “You in there Dick?” to the presidential desk and put his ear to the glossy surface, listening for a response. Biden was unavailable for further comment, as he was placing a call to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in hopes of “scoring some angel dust to keep this fiesta going strong.”

 

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