Last Friday, Stanford’s Residential and Dining Enterprises announced the creation of a new service aimed at facilitating students’ access to illicit drugs. “The concept of the program is relatively straightforward,” stated R&DE president Johnathan Gonzalez. “Rather than having students buy dope from some sketchy, potentially dangerous character on the streets, they simply visit one of our certified narcotic vendors, and use their meal plan dollars to purchase whatever they please. It’s just like getting a late-night milkshake, except instead of a milkshake, it’s crack!”

In addition to crack, students would have the opportunity to buy substances such as marijuana, ecstasy, LSD, ketamine, and upon special request, heroin. Stanford R&DE is also planning to unveil a completely new kind of drug known as “Cheno,” a brown, granular paste, developed from concentrated quinoa seeds. Cheno is said to produce a powerful, euphoric high when injected directly into the bloodstream, which typically lasts for 5-10 minutes before transitioning to an acute feeling of nausea and regret, which can persist for several hours.

When asked how the program functioned logistically, Gonzalez explained that it was made possible thanks to recent dealings with the international Chinese mafia. “Basically we let them do all the work,” he explained. “They have their guys ship the drugs in bulk to San Francisco, and then they have a bunch of drivers who take it down here to campus, where our certified narcotic vendors can sell it to the students! In return, Stanford offers them free campus tours whenever they like, and guaranteed acceptance for their children when they inevitably apply! And you know, it seems to be working out really great so far.”

Many students, however, were unhappy, stating that many problems still plagued the program. Junior Madison Daniels noted that, “LSD isn’t available on the weekend, which of course poses a problem. And somehow, Arrillaga is still more expensive. $200 for one gram of heroin, that’s absurd.”

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