Four full weeks into the Fall Quarter, Amartya Stathis, who earned grade-wide celebrity through the pithy quips and unsolicited major selection advice he offered the class of 2018 in its Facebook group, has finally emerged, glistening, from a steamy heap of nude babes.

“It’s, like, so exciting to meet you guys!” Stathis cried as he greeted his dorm-mates for the first time, a bathrobe draped around his body and a cigar held between his fingers. “My name’s Amartya and I’m going to be a double-major in CS and EE, lol! You may remember me from the Google Hangouts I hosted, but I promise I’m super chill IRL. Ugh, I still can’t believe we all got in here! Go trees!”

Reports indicate that Stathis may hold a meet-and-greet/ book signing event at CoHo on Friday, but it’s unclear whether the demands of his countless mistresses may prove too much for the Frosh to handle. If his encounters with numerous women don’t leave him unable to walk, Stathis’s constant flight from on-campus paparazzi will surely do the trick.


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