Cougar Sighting 10/28/2014
A cougar was seen prowling and stalking freshmen on 10/28/2014 at 8:46pm, in the vicinity of 738 Frenchman’s Road.  Public Safety has searched the area and there are no additional sightings reported, although they have recovered several cans of hairspray and a bedazzled leather purse from the scene.
If you see a cougar, call her ex-husband, Carl, to come pick her up.   DO NOT APPROACH THE COUGAR, especially one that is feeding or with kittens. Most cougars will try to avoid confrontation, but they can be tempted into action by male college-aged students in Chubbies.
COUGARS ARE VERY DANGEROUS.  IF YOU SEE A COUGAR, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MATE WITH IT.
Here are a few tips:
If you encounter a cougar, do not run; instead, face the animal, wave your arms and try to look older.   Shine bright fluorescent lights in the direction of the cougar to expose her aging complexion.  The cougar will likely be embarrassed and retreat to a dimmer location like a nightclub they just found out about on Yelp.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…