After years of wasting away while others basked in the glow of social popularity, sophomore Craig Peck is finally ready for his turn at the top. Following a disappointing freshman year, which was preceded by a disheartening 18 years, Peck is optimistic that this will be the big one.

The Flipside was able to track down the charmed young man himself to find out what exactly is going to be different this time. Sitting in his FloMo dorm room, wearing a shirt that says “Days Sober:” next to lots of crossed out 1’s, Peck divulged the secrets to his future success.

“It’s all a confidence game,” said the quivering, sweaty sophomore. “Once you have confidence, doors just start opening for you. That was my problem last year; I had all the know-how to get into a cappella groups and frats and the Axe Committee, I was just missing that killer instinct. Step aside [longtime rival and long schlonged big man on campus] Charlie Dexter, this is my school now!”

Although enthused about the prospect of being friends with football players and millionaires alike, Craig did admit he was sad about the friends he would have to leave behind. “I feel bad that I won’t be seeing Cassius and Quincy anymore, they’re quality dudes.” Peck said with a glance skyward. “But some people just have to accept that it’s never going to happen for them.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…