Mother Questions Stanford’s Safety After Hearing Assassins are on the Loose

May 12, 2014 12:00 pm
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Mother Questions Stanford’s Safety After Hearing Assassins are on the Loose

Martha Blunt and her husband, Rick, never expected they would be in a situation where an unknown but ruthless assassin was on the hunt for their beloved only child, Jeremy. But when they decided to visit Jeremy, whom they believed was thriving in his new environment, they came face to face with their nightmare. Upon entering his dorm, Twain, they saw only closed doors and suspicious glances, and Jeremy absolutely refused to venture out of his room, entrenched in the belief that his room was the only safe space.

“I’m absolutely horrified. This environment is completely unsafe,” Martha Blunt told reporters. “I mean, these innocent young kids are scared even to go to the bathroom by themselves, and all they have to defend themselves are those insignificant water guns! They refuse to trust anyone, and, every day, they have to hear the horrible news that another one of their closest friends has died. It’s disturbing; it really is.”

“Rick and I both believe in the power of education, but safety will always be our top priority,” continued Mrs. Blunt. “And, what with suspicious backpacks, even more suspicious gas leaks, and now, assassins on the loose, Stanford is definitely not the safe space it says it is.”

A source close to the Blunts reported that he could hear Jeremy meekly saying something about a “game,” as the family left campus, having purchased three tickets for the earliest flight back to their hometown of Milwaukee. Jeremy’s flippant attitude towards his own mortality only illustrates how traumatic this has been for all of the Twain community, who, unable to face the tragedy of a week of assassinations, have convinced themselves it is only a game. The source, later identified as Jeremy’s roommate Michael Lickett, also added, “Well, shit. There’s goes my target.”