Residential staff members discovered Rinconada freshman Shawn Anderson curled up on his futon with a tub of protein powder after apparently taking one day off from his rigorous workout schedule. “I always told myself: no days off, man,” Shawn said. “But that CME pset really did me in. I had to skip back day.” Historically, back day has followed chest day and preceded leg day for Anderson.

“This really sets me back. Like, I’m definitely cut, but I’m for sure not jacked. I’m buff, but not yet juiced, you feel?” he noted, dismissing criticism that he may be yoked to his gym routine. “I’m a swolar ice cap, man,” insisted Anderson, stressing the importance of not allowing himself to melt.

Anderson expressed determination to get back on “the grind” to work on “them bis and tris.”

The Rinc PHE later reported spotting him in Wilbur dining, drinking bottle after bottle of Muscle Milk.  At press time, the student had gone underground at the Arrillaga Center for Sports and Recreation basement, fearful of retribution from an entity he would identify only as the “swoll patrol.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…