Wow.  Now look at those colossal pearly whites. I’d kill to have me some mighty chompers like those in my mouth.  So white, so clean, so big and sharp.  How do you keep them so nice?  Is there some special tooth-goo that can get my old gnashers looking as good as those pups? I bet you use Colgate, that good gunk I see in the television commercials.  Maybe even one of those vibrating toothbrushes that plays a sweet little sing-song so you know how long to brush for. You need a real powerful tool to maintain mashers like those, I can only imagine.  Hey, how many of those crunchers do you have by the way?

Okay, I’m done dancing around the issue: I want your teeth.  Give them to me.  Name your price: how much would you be willing to part with your gleamers for?  I don’t know how much you know about me, but I can give you a good deal, a very good deal.  I swear, I’d give absolutely anything to toss those porcelain plaques of joy and wonder into my own mouth.

Do you want my little teeth in return? They don’t hold a candle your munchers, but they’re worth something.  They’d do right by you.

I hope we can work together on this one, I really do.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…