The Stanford community was shocked to learn late last week that Magellan P. Fluke, local ukulele-owner and purported “eh-kinda-funny” man, is in fact single. On-scene reports indicate that on Friday night he was not on a date with his significant other, but rather in his suite’s common room, listening to some pretty chill tunes on his brand new headphones- a birthday present to himself- and perking up every time he heard the door open or close.

Close friends of the romantically unattached good listener expressed concern, and even incredulity, at his mateless state. “I’ve just…He’s always been like this,” suitemate Rahul Prabala told our reporters. “I’m used to finding him eating a handful of Chex Mix and watching bird documentaries at the same time.” Prabala then shook his head and stared into the lounge at the aforementioned 20%-tipper and litter-picker-upper, letting out a resigned sigh.

Fluke’s mother also showed surprise at the news, describing her son via a Skype interview conducted over his shoulder as “handsome to me,” and “a real hit with the ladies at the salon.” She went on to note that Fluke was an honor roll student all throughout high school, and that he “has never had a cavity. Well, okay, he had a tiny one last year. But no braces. It’s not like my son is some loser…”

Fluke himself declined to comment, instead urging reporters to “hit me up on Facebook or via text at 339-987-1866 if you ever just, y’know, wanna hang and stuff.” He then gave us a slight shrug and added in a higher-pitched voice, “we could, I dunno, like order a pizza and watch a couple episodes of Scrubs on my step-dad’s Netflix account. Could be fun.”

At press time, Fluke was reported as having watched that one where JD thinks everyone is in The Wizard of Oz, and is currently seeking someone to watch the one where Turk beats up all the surgeons to the tune of Carl Douglas’s “Kung Fu Fighting.” Ladies.

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