1. Chocolates: It’s so basic, Brad. As long as you don’t eat more than half of them, I’ll be happy.
2. Flowers: You can pick them out of the window displays at the Michael’s for all I care.
3. Mixtape: No, your friend Stan’s “Valentine’s Day/Presidents’ Day/Black History Month Mix” does not count.
4. Wendy’s: For once, FOR ONCE, I’d like to eat out at a quality restaurant where I can get a baked potato on the side instead of a greasy bag of fries. That, and the square patties really do make a huge difference.
5. Eye Contact: A woman needs to be looked at, Brad.
6. New Purse: My old one has been ruined by the never-ending stream of ketchup and Splenda packets that you force me to steal. I think I saw something growing in there yesterday.
7. Massage: Brad, sweetie, I have the worst neck cramp. All you’d have to do is rub it for a minute.
Just touch me, please.
8. Ear Plugs: You know how hard it is to sleep when you and Stan are playing Halo 3 on the TV. For God’s sake, we live in a studio apartment.
9. Scented Candle: You know that one smell you make? I’d like to stop smelling it.
10. An Orgasm: Honestly, would it kill you to fuck me for more than a minute and a half, Brad?! Your brother gave me two orgasms in a row, and he was still ready for a second round!
I’d go to him for this Valentine’s shit, except he’s already given me more than you ever will! So you know what, you get out and push the damn car, jackass!
