Winter Olympics Survival Guide

January 21, 2014 12:00 pm
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Winter Olympics Survival Guide

Now that we’re in the dregs of the Winter Quarter, the Flipside is here to present to you a guide to the Summer Olympics’ lonely cousin, the far less fun Winter Olympics. With these facts, you will find yourself well equipped to converse with the one other person who cares about the giant slalom.

Biathlon – The only major sport where you are allowed to shoot a rifle at targets while also skiing. Unsurprisingly, Sarah Palin is our current world champion.

Bobsleigh – Just watch Cool Runnings. You’ll pick it up.

Curling – If you’ve ever swept the floor of your room because you had literally nothing better to do, you have a pretty good idea of what the sport of curling entails.

Ice Hockey – Ice hockey is a game of three periods, and at the end, the Canadians win. Because they have grown up in a frozen wasteland.

Luge – An excuse for lazy people to lie on a sled and go down a hill.

Lindsey Vonn – Perhaps the best comparison to Vonn is a New York Knicks fan. She’s dating Tiger Woods, so like a Knicks fan, she knows what it’s like to love something whose best days are long behind them.

Nordic Combined – Scandinavia’s new name, changed by deed poll after Iceland complained.

Sochi – Host city of the Games. Surprisingly not what happens when you put the word ‘Stoli’ through spellcheck.

White – The last name of one of the USA’s best medal hopes, super-snowboarder Shaun. The color of snow. Also, the skin color of 99% of competitors.