As he prowled through the sweaty dance floor of a Stanford frat last Friday evening, Junior Sam Perthew realized there was no way of getting what he was after. “I wanted anonymity, I wanted a quick thing that I wouldn’t have to think about, damn it — I wanted a random hookup!” But randomness just wasn’t an option for the CS major.

“Ever since I declared a couple of weeks ago I just that I can’t do random anymore. I realize that I’m hooking up with people based on this complex process: you know, how good they look, what they’re wearing, if I know them. Then I throw in a couple of large prime numbers and the number of milliseconds since my birthday in 1993, and base my decision on that. At best, I can only approximate a random hookup!”

Friends report that the realization caused Sam some strife: “after the hookup thing he started questioning all sorts of stuff. If he was really conscious, or he could really feel emotion.” But Perthew appears to be coping well now. At press time he was grinding on some hottie from Soto. “Whatever!” he shouted over the bumping sounds of David Guetta, “the theory doesn’t matter … it’s all about the implementation!”

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