Google Barge Mystery Solved

November 6, 2013 9:00 am
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Google Barge Mystery Solved

The mysterious emergence of several Google-owned barges off the San Francisco Bay and Maine’s Portland Harbor has attracted widespread attention and speculation. Theories regarding the purpose of these barges include data centers or storage centers, but Google has kept stubbornly silent about the barges’ true purpose.

Google is known for providing their interns and employees with a host of non-traditional perks. We’re talking free food, gyms, wellness centers, massages, laundry, and even dancing lessons; Google puts luxuries right into the palms of their little programming hands. It’s the perfect system: make your employees love work so much that they never want to leave. The Google barges will only serve to further that purpose, as each Google barge is actually a GoogleBrothel.

“It was the next logical step,” explained the unnamed executive, “We already feed our employees and give them a place to do laundry. What else could we do keep them here on the Google campus, both happy and productive? How could we stop them from wanting to return home to their husbands and wives? The only things humans really care about are money and sex, and we already give our employees money.” The official statement will not be released until next week, so as to give the barges time to move further out to sea. “After all, we’re not looking to get arrested,” said the executive, “It’s only legal in international waters.”