That’s right, ladies. Take it all in. I just came back from working out, and I don’t think you’re going to find a more chiseled specimen on this planet. That’s right – you’re looking at a man – not a boy, a man – who can bench press an entire bar.

Now I know what you’re thinking. If you’re female, it’s “I would absolutely have sex with that guy.” If you’re male, though, I know the burning question that’s running through the back of your mind is “How did he get so strong?” I’m not normally one to share my secrets, but here’s a tip for you – squats and oats. You can even adopt my training methods – after eating oatmeal this morning, I squatted down a few times, right there at the table in the dining hall. Sure, I got some weird looks, but my thighs were burning like no other after just a few reps, and that’s how I knew I was on the right track. No pain, no gain, that’s my motto. You’d do well to adopt it.

What’s that you say? How do I do all my exercises with such perfect form? Well, it’s important to keep a few things in mind. First of all, whenever you’re lifting any kind of weight, you want to put all the stress on your lower back. I like to say that the back is the biggest muscle in the body, so it’s the one that should be doing most of the work. Secondly, it’s important to lift in short, violent motions; you won’t gain muscle explosiveness if you’re slow and careful in your workouts. Ignore any pain that crops up, though; pain is weakness leaving the body, that’s my motto. Take it from the expert – you follow these tips, and you’ll look like a regular Arnold in no time. Maybe one day, you’ll even look like me.

I can’t share too many more of my secrets, though. People would be lining up around the block. I’d never have time to get my actual workouts in. Speaking of which, it’s almost time for one now – excuse me? Am I going to Arrillaga? Why would I work out in a dining hall? Oh – not the dining hall? What’s an ACSR? Never heard of it. Sounds like it stands for “Admire my Calves and Shoulders Respectfully.” I don’t actually work out either of those muscle groups, though. Some things are just God-given.

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