Among the courses offered at SPLASH last Saturday, one of the most popular was taught by senior Dillon Bailey. According to witnesses, Bailey wandered into Memorial Auditorium while visibly intoxicated and registered to teach a course in “the good shit.” Followed into Herrin by 32 bright-eyed middle schoolers, Bailey became disoriented and began to take stumbling swings at the children, yelling about how the “fucking illuminati better stay back.” The students who took the class interpreted this gesture as a type of trial-by-fire martial arts course, and eagerly began to spar with Bailey and each other.

Sources report that after the first half hour of middle schoolers flying in every direction, Bailey began to bond with the “little shits.” He took on a fatherly role, wandering around drunkenly correcting the students’ jabs with slurred references to Rocky IV and the instruction to “sting like a butterfly.”

“It was amazing,” reported 14- year- old Matt Freedman, “the instructor taught us how to defend ourselves against all the people he kept calling ‘Sigma news.’ His breath also smelled like sour-patch kids, which was really cool.” Bailey, unavailable for comment, was last seen stumbling into an afternoon social dance class, attempting to exercise his teaching skills by instructing the students on how to “twerk.”

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