Vaden Cites Ability to See Own Breath as Sign of Demonic Possession

October 29, 2012 12:00 pm
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Vaden Cites Ability to See Own Breath as Sign of Demonic Possession

Campus has undergone strange changes this past week: sunglasses have given way to windbreakers; tanktops to hoodies; shorts and flip-flops to jeans and flip-flops.

But Stanford Junior Simon Danvy experienced something totally unexpected- a chilling horror story all his own.

“I was walking to class the other day at around 10,” whispered Danvy, shivering at the mere thought, “when all of a sudden I saw something, a faint cloud in front of my face.  It dissipated quickly, and I thought nothing of it, until a second later when it appeared again, rising out of my mouth.”

Understandably, Danvy took his concerns to the Vaden Health Center, where specialists quickly identified his ability to see his breath as a sign that Simon was under the possession of malevolent hellspawn.

“The cloud is your soul leaking out of the mouth, as the demon slowly takes up residence in your hollow, godforsaken husk of a body,” said Vaden’s Dr. Rick Lowell.  “But on the bright side, if you hold your fingers to your mouth you can make pretend like you’re smoking.”  When asked if there was a cure, Dr. Lowell suggested that all heretics repent for their sins in light of the coming day when Hell’s maw will open up and devour this mortal coil whole.  That, or just swallow a snake whole while Mars is in the House of the Twins.  That usually does the trick.