Following the announcements of plans to install card readers on every row house and the creation of an all-row dining hall, Residential Education has come forward with their most ambitious renovation yet. This week they released plans to install full-body, backscatter x-ray scanners in every row house. Representatives from ResEd claim the scanners, like those found in airport security lines across the country, will improve on-campus safety.

“This is the next logical step,” said Johnson Wilson, an administrator in ResEd. “Right now, it’s too easy to get in and out of row houses. We need a layer of security to make sure only the proper people — students and staff — can enter a residence. In reality, there is no good reason someone without a Stanford ID card on their person should ever need to access a row house.”

This announcement is said to be the first of several, including moves to a pneumatic food delivery system to each row house, retina scanners outside of all campus bathrooms and the eventual requirement that students continue living at home with their parents and watch all of their classes online.

“Student safety is our first concern,” said Wilson. “We also care about independence, but it is our official opinion that the students don’t know what is best for them. But we do. So it’s our responsibility to make sure they are safe and taken care of. If that means packing their lunches every day and waiting for the bus with them, then so be it.”

There has been a general outcry from students against the developments, claiming the new ResEd policies are condescending and take away their independence. As of press time, ResEd was threating to put any dissatisfied students in time out.

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