Charity Blood Drive Tainted By Tiger Blood

LOS ANGELES – A fundraising celebrity blood drive at the Cedars-Sinai medical center in West Hollywood led to a temporary lockdown on blood transfusions in the city region. Patients were exhibiting erratic behavior, ranging from breaking 100 mph in a school zone to a patient who, after receiving a transfusion, explained that dude, he couldn’t handle it, and requested that doctors unplug him from life support. In one extreme case a patient spontaneously combusted.

Forensics examiners were able to isolate the substance that had caused this outbreak of extreme behavior, a contaminant in the blood used to treat the patients. Early analysis indicated the blood was perplexedly of tiger origin. The sample was eventually traced back to actor and star of CBS sitcom Two and Half Men, Charlie Sheen, who could not be reached because he was receiving emergency medical care after attempting to snort an intact motor home.