In a shocking turn of events, Pope Benedict XVI has given up his position at the head of the Catholic Church in order to be with what he spoke of as the ‘love of his life’ , a 75-year old Venetian woman who sent the Pope a Valentine with the inscription ‘Never gonna give you up for Lent’. 

When pressed for comment, the woman, Emilia Buonangelo, said, ‘‘I’ve always been attracted to him. I mean, how can you not be? That curly thatch of wispy, white hair like the soft, pillowy clouds above, those blue eyes like crystal pools. He’s everything you could look for in a man, he’s got the power, the debonair charm, plus he can condemn things for all eternity.’’ Sources indicate that the Pope’s decision to leave the Catholic Church was entirely motivated by the promises made to him by Signora Buonangelo, including, ‘showing you what you were missing in that lifetime of celibacy’ and ‘getting to spend a peaceful existence yelling at kids to get off our expertly manicured lawn’. The Swiss Guard will reportedly continue to protect the Pope, with Guard Captain Arturo Fonzarelli saying that, ‘Maybe now we’ll actually have a purpose in life.’

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