Political analysts and news syndicates expressed surprise over President Obama’s State of the Union Address, which included an unexpected ten minute digression regarding the topic of erectile dysfunction. The Commander-in-Chief addressed both his colleagues and the American people, explaining that it’s perfectly acceptable for men over fifty to become impotent, citing it as a “normal, and even healthy part of the male maturation process,” and emphasizing firmly that no one should ever look at it otherwise.

The Head of State reminded the electorate that it “certainly doesn’t make anyone less of a man, especially a man working jobs with a good deal of stress on top of being a father.” He added that he was absolutely certain that “guys like that could probably get it up like twenty times per day only a few years ago. Morning wood like you’ve never seen.” The President concluded the aberration from the discussion of policy by listing alternative but “equally important” measures of masculinity, such as personal relationships and career success.

Shortly after the address had concluded, Vice President Joe Biden sought out our reporters and noted that although some men are affected by this admittedly understandable condition, many men of similar, even older age are still “quite potent,” and will almost certainly remain “rearing and ready to go, and should anyone be interested, you know where to find them.”

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