Stanford Residential and Dining Enterprises announced today that they will be replacing the tables and chairs in Wilbur with baryard-style benches and troughs. Come “feeding time”–as head chef Rob Patertino now calls Lunch and Dinner–food will be heaved into the troughs by one of the kitchen’s hired hands and students will begin chowing down. The new menu will feature a healthy slop of root vegetables, barley, and table scraps.  Reaction to the announcement has been mixed, but most students support the measure.

“Lets face it,” said freshman Bill Tordon, “We’re all Stanford students and we’re all super busy–too busy to bother with things like plates, spoons, or cutting our food into bite-sized pieces. The trough will save us a lot of time and allow us to get in, get out, and get on with our days.”

Plans for the new system grew out of Administrational concern for hygiene. As project executive Deborah Odinkirk explained, “It will be much more sanitary because the students won’t be touching anything with their hands, which are, as everyone knows, the most germy part of the body.” Odinkirk went on to express excitement about future plans: “Imagine a Salad Trough, a Pasta Trough, or even a ‘Make Your Own Omelette Trough’!”

While some students have expressed concern that the new dining scheme might dehumanize their Stanford experience, making them feel like a single element in a money-driven system, Stanford administrators released a statement to the press that read “All sustenance comes from the trough.  The trough is our lifeblood and our holy fountain.  Praise be to the trough.”

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