Op Ed: Similes don’t exist

January 25, 2013 9:00 am
Views: 318
Op Ed: Similes don’t exist

I’ve been quiet for too long. I’ve got to come out and say it- for my own good, for the good of my country, and for good of every English major at Stanford (so, like, for the six of us). Similes simply should NOT be. Yes, I know, this revelation threatens to our world to its core, but the truth must be put forth! For years the military-educational complex has taught the difference between similes and metaphors as if they were two totally different literary constructs, but It Is All A Lie. A simile IS a metaphor! A square IS a rhombus! A rectangle IS a parallelogram! Wake up, sheeple!

I don’t see why the addition of “like” or “as” to a perfectly good metaphor has to result in a complete name change. There are enough literary terms as it is; I’ve got my hands full with enjambment and caesura and the like, so why do we need even more, if multiple words are describing the same damn thing? I won’t stand for it! I can understand math or physics being needlessly complicated, but for God’s sake and the sake of my sanity, leave literature alone! This situation is as incomprehensible as my Russian literature professor’s accent! (And that, my friends, is STILL a metaphor). So please, spread the word. Spread awareness. Make sure that the world doesn’t continue in complex literary darkness. Thank you.