Dear Sexually Frustrated Middle East Analyst,

I want to be more informed about world politics, but the middle east seems so complex, I don’t even know where to start. Help me out?


Confused in Crothers

Dear Confused,

The Middle Eastern conflict is a really hairy issue, but for now we can shave it down to just the Gaza Strip. Most people know there’s something seriously wrong in Gaza, but it’s so sealed off from the rest of the world, it’s hard to put your finger in any one issue, let alone lick the problem altogether. So I’ll do my best in this column to get your questions laid to rest.


Dear Sexually Frustrated Middle East Analyst,

If you absolutely had to take a side, who’s to blame for the current conflict?


Decisive in Durand

Dear Decisive,

It keeps getting harder to say who’s to blame. About 4 weeks ago, when things started heating up,  Gaza sent a few rockets over to Israel, which, if they didn’t want to do anything with Israel, is really sending the wrong message, I think. So naturally, Israel responded with some of its own rockets, but it was really hard to know where to target, and it just kept getting harder. Nobody’s sure if Israel ever even found the jihad spot, but it’s such a mess down there, who can blame them?


Dear Sexually Frustrated Middle East Analyst,

Will there ever be peace in the middle east?


Hopeful in Hammerskjold

Dear Hopeful,

I know it seems impossible now, and in the next few years it might even get worse. Both Israel and Gaza have had to deal with fires burning in their exposed cities, and Israel took a closer look at the rockets being fired from Gaza. Some of them looked a lot like rockets from Egypt and Syria, and then it turned out those rockets were all over Gaza, like crabs from a male stripper from Vegas. Gaza swore it hadn’t received anything from Syria or Egypt recently, let alone had diplomatic relations with them. Both Israel and Gaza said some things they shouldn’t have, and now there’s a tense ceasefire, with both groups withholding rockets. The prolonged dry spell in the region is only exacerbating the tension.  But although it’s a bumpy, itchy road to recovery, I’m sure things will clear up soon.

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