According to several independent sources, a group of freshmen students sitting in Stern Dining unanimously reached the conclusion that the previous weekend “simply flew by” and “wasn’t quite long enough, you know?”  Furthermore, the Larkin residents involved in the conversation are alleged to have arrived at this deduction on several consecutive Mondays during the academic year.

“Yeah man, this weekend went by way too fast,” sources quoted freshmen Jimmy Davis, whose stance seems unabashedly bold given that he has been experiencing identical 48-hour weekends for the past 18 years and should be fairly comfortable with the concept at this point.

“Agreed, dude.  The weekend just seemed so short for some reason,” Ashley Johns added, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she had said the same thing each of the past 17 consecutive weeks.

Stanford researchers are struggling to come up with an explanation for these students’ inability to accurately perceive the passage of time, a skill usually acquired in the toddler years.

“By the time students enter college, they will have experienced approximately 1,000 weekends on this Earth,” psychologist David Mundy explained, “For them to remain unable to grasp the concept of the consistency of time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning is baffling, at best, and deeply disturbing, at worst.”

As of press time, this week has been going by sooooo fucking slowly.

 

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…