In what Beltway observers are calling a fundamental error in trivial symbolic politics, the turkey pardoned by President Obama is on a vicious killing spree. Remington, as the Virginia-raised poultry menace is called, escaped from the turkey-pardoning motorcade shortly after it left White House grounds Wednesday morning and proceeded to commit the first of his murders by slow but shockingly persistent mauling. Authorities estimate that Remington has claimed the lives of 15 men and women in the Washington, D.C. area to date.
“Thanksgiving should be a time for family, reflection, and making memories,” said Sheriff Dick McGruff. “No one in our city should have to worry about being mauled to death by a turkey on the lamb.”
Republicans on Capitol Hill have called for Mr. Obama to resign in the wake of the spree. “Once again, the so-called ‘President’ has shown a complete lack of leadership,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “The power to pardon is something we cannot take lightly, and the current tragedy shows just how much this president has failed the American people.”
Local citizens are similarly appalled. “I mean, if that turkey hadn’t been pardoned, he’d still be locked up on Death Row where he couldn’t hurt anybody,” said Dick Hertz, a self-identified concerned citizen who lives within blocks of the last murder. “And if Obama can’t protect us from a homicidal turkey, how is he going to deal with Iran?”
Investigators claim to be hot on Remington’s increasingly bloody scent and anticipate an arrest within 24 hours. The subsequent legal protocol remains unclear.