You know Romney’s a rich Mormon and Obama’s a Kenyan socialist, but what other sweeping generalizations can we make about the presidential candidates?

Barack Obama

– leads among Gitmo employees concerned about job security

– blames bad haircut on uncooperative Republican congress

– uses “just a little bit of tongue” when kissing babies at campaign rallies

– automatically starts with a 47% head start in the popular vote

– is running for reelection because he doesn’t feel like looking for a new job in this market

– has the smile that launched a thousand unmanned drone strikes

– hopes that everyone has pretty much forgotten about the Patriot Act by now

– didn’t make good on implicit campaign promise to turn nation into Islamic socialist monarchy

– came out in support of gay marriage, but only after Biden made it cool

– is using the severed head of Osama bin laden as a prop at campaign rallies

 Mitt Romney

– plans to run the government like a corporation rather than like a government run by corporations

– has a naturally occurring reservoir of hair gel underneath the surface of his scalp

– is promising 15 trillion new jobs by 2016

– thinks the White House would make a nice Washington DC vacation home

– went on traditional Mormon mission to France so is already well-practiced in trying to convince foreigners to do things they don’t want to do

– once briefly contemplated the word “empathy” as CEO of Bain Capital

– is very in touch with the average* American

– is a populist, in that he will change his views to whatever is popular

– worries the whole “get rid of FEMA” thing is kind of awkward now, what with the hurricane and all

Gary Johnson

– is banking on his campaign manager’s years of experience running local Arby’s franchise

– enjoys the free food he receives at campaign events

– is mainly running for what political pundits classify as “shits and giggles”

– is dealing with libertarian friends who are already begging to hotbox the Oval Office on Friday afternoons

– has the campaign slogan “Fuck the troops.  Who cares?  We won’t win anyway.”

Jill Stein

– plans to use compostable silverware when dining with foreign dignitaries

– will do a naked lap if she gets one electoral vote

– is experiencing difficulty casting her ballot because she is currently chained to a tree

– is second biggest socialist on the ballot

– hopes to carry on Ralph Nader’s proud tradition of fucking up elections for Democrats


*white, male, Christian, earning $250K+/year

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