Ask a Jew During the Holidays

November 26, 2012 12:00 pm
Views: 151

Dear Jew during the holidays,
Should I get a Christmas present for my roommate? I want to show her that I appreciate what a good roommate she’s been, but I don’t want her to feel obligated to get me anything.

Sincerely,
Gift-Giver in GovCo

Dear Gift-Giver,
Have you ever considered that maybe your roommate doesn’t buy into the commercialism that consumes Americans at this time of the year? Your money would be better spent on a plane ticket to Israel to expand your worldview past the Santa-and-baby-Jesus-centric closet you’ve been living in.

Dear Jew during the holidays,
I decided to stop eating meat a couple of months ago, and I haven’t been home since. I’ll be going home during Christmas break, and we usually have a big turkey dinner for Christmas. I don’t want to burden my family with providing vegetarian options for the main course, but I’m really happy with my decision to not eat meat. How should I bring this up to my parents?

Sincerely,
Meatless in Manzanita

Dear Meatless,
“Christmas break”? Really? There are other holidays besides Christmas, you know. Not everyone enjoys listening to the same four songs about the tentative birthday of your religious figure over and over again from Thanksgiving until New Year’s. Maybe you should encourage your local vegetarian restaurant to stay open. It might catch on, and then I wouldn’t have to eat Chinese food every fucking December 25.

Dear Jew during the holidays,
My roommate insisted upon putting up dozens of strands of Christmas lights and four different nativity scenes when we got back from Thanksgiving break. I always trip on the three wise men on the way to my desk, and the abundance of lights is irritating, not to mention a huge, inefficient waste of energy. Frankly, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. How do I ask her to stop forcing her Christmas spirit on me?

Sincerely,
Annoyed in Arroyo

Dear Annoyed,
Marry me? I’ll build the chuppah.

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