This week, longtime Elmo puppeteer and accused sex offender Kevin Clash held a press conference to state that he is innocent and that authorities should be prosecuting the real culprit, Elmo himself. The prepared statement, in which Clash claimed to be “in the wrong puppet at the wrong time,” contained testimonials from other members of the Sesame Street Workshop as well.
“People assume that just because I was Elmo’s handler, I could control his every move,” sighed Clash. “But that’s where they’re wrong. There’s only so much a celebrity handler can do.” Clash recounted multiple occasions when he momentarily stepped away from the puppet, only to return and find Elmo purring at small children and begging, “Come tickle Elmo!”
“Elmo may have an innocent, fuzzy red exterior and a babylike coo, but he’s a raging beast inside,” confirmed another Muppet who wished to remain anonymous. “Clash did what he could to rein in Elmo’s twisted libido, but I’m not surprised that Elmo escaped for a few lascivious nights.” Even Animal, the Muppet drummer known for his wild behavior and animalistic tendencies, called Elmo a “MONSTER!!” and a “CRAZY KINKY SONOFABITCH!!!”
When confronted with the rumor that Elmo may have filmed a sex tape with Miss Piggy, Sesame Street representatives were unavailable for comment.