Antiquated Electoral College Replaced with BCS Poll

October 29, 2012 12:02 pm
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Antiquated Electoral College Replaced with BCS Poll

Calling the Electoral College a “political relic of a bygone era” and a “cumbersome middle-man in the democratic process,” Congress has moved to replace the institution with a BCS-style polling system that would determine the next President of the United States.

According to the text of the proposed constitutional amendment, the Presidential BCS standings would be calculated with a two-thirds weight placed on human balloting and a one-third weight on the average of six computer rankings.  The computer formulas would evaluate candidates on metrics like amount of campaign funds raised, number of babies kissed, consistency of voting record, and out-of-conference strength-of-schedule.

Congressional support for the BCS system has grown in recent weeks as legislators negotiated lucrative television contracts with cable outlets like CNN and MSNBC.  But while many hope that the revenue from these deals can help produce a balanced budget, skeptics point out that the BCS system might not be the best solution for the average American voter.

“Are the American people really getting the best politician, or just the darling of the east-coast-biased media elites?” asked Senator John McCain in an impassioned address to his constituents, “And what about the smaller states?  Even if they produce the perfect candidate, they will never have the chance to compete against the powerhouses of the Southeast.”

At press time, debate was filibustered on the Senate floor with Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions punctuating every sentence of his speech with “Roll Tide.”