I’ll be the first to admit that three hours is a long time to sit through a movie, but however painful it was to watch Avatar and Dancing With Wolves, those films have got nothing on the most recent recession. Clocking in at just under 24,096 hours, the recession, which cost over 250,000 times more than Titanic, was a colossal failure.

Compare it to the best recession in America. There was no question when that started—the stock market crashed and everyone knew it—we didn’t need a panel of “experts” to tell us the show had already started—we were in the middle of The Great Fucking Depression, complete with bread lines and I Hate Hoover clubs. Not to mention the ending. The New Deal was a work of art—but what did we get this time? A few stimulus packages and then, just when we say “I don’t care what people think, I’m going to double dip and enjoy the stimulus,” the lights come up and the whole world sees us with our hands down our pants.

Despite the small redeeming features of the recession, there are just too many problems with it for me to recommend it to any friend or developing country. Without a clear beginning, middle, or end, I was left with just too many questions: If the bankers knew they were selling junk loans, why weren’t they arrested? What was Joe Biden doing there? How did Obama know the zombies were in the cellar?

Overall, I’d say this recession is worth only about five roof jumps—nothing in comparison with the recessions of the 80s and not even on the same level as The Great Fucking Depression.

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