An SU Alert received by the Stanford community earlier today alerted the students, faculty and staff to thousands of old people who had been lurking around campus the previous weekend.

“The SUPD has received numerous reports of suspicious individuals beyond college age roaming the campus a couple days ago. Although it appears that the suspects have fled the scene, students are advised to stay in their rooms and lock their doors,” the mass text declared. “Suspects were reported to smell of alcohol, with a tinge of apples.”

When asked for comment, freshman Nicole Shields responded, “I was just sitting in my room doing some work with my door open when a woman who looked hella old asked if she could look inside. I was so scared that I just nodded my head while sending ‘Help me’ texts to my RA. I’m glad that the SUPD has addressed the issue, though, even if it’s two days late. It’s nice to know someone is watching out for me.”

As of press time, the only response to the campus-wide message has been open mockery.

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