An SU Alert received by the Stanford community earlier today alerted the students, faculty and staff to thousands of old people who had been lurking around campus the previous weekend.

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“The SUPD has received numerous reports of suspicious individuals beyond college age roaming the campus a couple days ago.

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Although it appears that the suspects have fled the scene, students are advised to stay in their rooms and lock their doors,” the mass text declared.

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“Suspects were reported to smell of alcohol, with a tinge of apples.”

When asked for comment, freshman Nicole Shields responded, “I was just sitting in my room doing some work with my door open when a woman who looked hella old asked if she could look inside. I was so scared that I just nodded my head while sending ‘Help me’ texts to my RA.

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I’m glad that the SUPD has addressed the issue, though, even if it’s two days late.

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It’s nice to know someone is watching out for me.”

As of press time, the only response to the campus-wide message has been open mockery.

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