Stanford, CA—In the 2014-15 year, the Stanford administration has been heavily implementing student activity restrictions. From attempting to cancel Full Moon on the Quad to putting band on probation, it seems that Stanford administrators are trying to completely ban the lustful shenanigans of youth. The most recent target was the traditional “Exotic Erotic” annual all-campus party at 680 Lomita, as the idea of hundreds of young naked bodies gyrating in perfect erotic harmony was enough to quicken the sluggish blood and speed of the dulled pulses of the decrepit members of the administration.

In order to avoid the full wrath of Stanford’s clothes-wearing, panty-bunched overlords, 680 scrapped Exotic Erotic altogether and instead threw a Jazz Party, where the students danced with the same naked abandon, but with more clothes and saxophone. Said one resident of the house, who chose to remain anonymous, “We couldn’t let the tradition die. We aren’t a frat, but we just wanted to dance. If we had to change the music from “Get Low” to “In the Mood” to make it happen, that was cool with us.” Another resident chimed in, “What do old white men love more than anything else? Jazz. Of course it’s jazz. It was the only way we could get away with this party. Plus it’s actually pretty sexy.”

Jazz Party was a resounding success, with scores of students dirty dancing and going home together regardless of the increase in average number of clothing items worn by each attendee. As of press time, the administration was working on a new policy to be implemented at campus parties that would “leave room for Jesus” between grinding couples.

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