Recent surveys indicate that a growing percentage of the Class of ’16 is becoming outraged and confused by the lack of an appropriate outlet for their quietly bubbling drinking problems. Serra’s Frosh Council representative, James Atkinson, stated that much of his dorm was angered upon discovering that ‘midterms’ were not a week of themed parties being held by Sigma Nu.

He continued, stating, “It is a disgrace that we, as college students, are expected to take classes and attend discussion sections, and yet we are limited in our ability to get crunk.” Sources indicate that this quote actually came from the speech that won him the Frosh Council position, helping him beat out Nicolai Andrevich who campaigned on a platform of organizing dorm events and activities.

Confronted with a wave of social outrage, Harry Elam, Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education, has responded by complaining that “students must remember first and foremost that we are, in fact, a university, and so it is not appropriate to skip Sociology 101 because you took ‘major shots’ last night.” In a shocking turn events, Stanford freshmen responded by staging a mass passing-out in front of his office in the Main Quad.

Thankfully, school officials have come to a peaceful solution. Stanford will now institute a supposed “high-school system of justice.” All frat parties will now be chaperoned by a member of the Feminist Studies department, all music will be filtered through the Meyer Language Lab, and all hands at co-ed events will not be allowed below waist level, because according to Vaden Health Center spokeswoman Janine Escondido, “That’s how pregnancies happen.” In response to this new wave of policies, 20% of Stanford’s freshmen class has decided to transfer to Arizona State.

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