In response to widespread complaints about the draw being inefficient, and “the worst system ever,” ResEd has decided to revamp the entire housing assignment program.

“The draw clearly had its problems, so we’ve decided to switch to a first-come first-serve system,” said Assistant Director of Residential Education, Zac Sargeant.  “We believe with this new method the issues will just work themselves out organically.”

When students arrive back on campus next fall, they will all gather at the main quad with all of their belongings. Then, after the sounding of the AxeComm Train Whistle, students will run towards their residence of choice, and stake their claim by throwing their belongings onto the bed.

Arguments will be resolved using the time-tested conflict resolution technique known as “dibs.”  If “dibs” fails, all remaining issues about the rightful owner of the room will be decided based on height, with the taller one getting the room.

Students have responded positively to this new change. “Stanford is first and foremost a meritocracy,” said Claire Collison ‘12, member of the varsity track team. “And if you don’t get a room you like, well, you should have run faster.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…