In response to President Obama’s announcement that he personally supports same-sex marriage, Americans are preparing for the impending all-out, nation-wide sex party that will obviously follow this endorsement of basic civil rights. Critics argue that the President’s belief in marriage equality could be the last straw that sends the nation into a downward spiral of moral degeneracy and tolerance. With the institution of the “traditional marriage” in danger, many believe the nation could turn into an orgy-filled wasteland by the end of the month.

“You could literally hear America’s moral fabric tearing,” said Bob Knobblock, chairman of the political action committee Americans for a Morally Straight America. He continued, “The ones who stand to lose the most are the youth of our nation. Throwing kids into these new so-called families, they think they’re joining a stable, loving household—little do they know they’re going to be the victims of the gay indoctrination.”

However, not everyone is fearful of the looming fuckfest. “I, for one, welcome our new homosexual overlords,” stated presidential candidate and notable sex enthusiast Newt Gingrich. “I might even divorce my third wife to make sure there’s nothing holding me back.”

The Obama administration has yet to announce plans as to how the nation will continue to function once all morals and decency have been thrown out the window. However, a staffer commented, “Imagine what will happen if this ever actually becomes law. It’s going to get crazy.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…