Red Bud, IL—Last Friday, three lucky winners earned a share of the $656 million lottery jackpot, the largest in United States history.

While two of the three winners have yet to be identified, one of the winners, Willard “Mitt” Romney, has decided to come forward and share his story of good fortune.

“I was just passing through Red Bud on my way to Wisconsin, and I thought, ‘what the hell, I’ve worked hard my whole life, it’s high time something good happened to me’” said Romney, as he grinned opulently at his winning ticket. “I only bought one ticket—I’m not a gambling man, but the idea of being a millionaire appeals to me just as much as it does the next guy. The next morning I woke up and found out I’d won—it’s a true fairy tale.”

When asked what he would do with his winnings, Romney explained: “I’m usually a pretty conservative guy. I’ve got a tiny mansion, a handful of cars, a modest beach house—but now I think I’m going to splurge. The next time I go out for ice cream, I’ll buy two scoops. After that, who knows? I could upgrade to a bigger mansion, I could start a company, I could even become President of the United States.”

Willard isn’t the only one who stood to benefit from his lottery ticket. Willard’s friends, who refer to him affably as “Mitt,” also consider themselves lucky. One of his friends, Paul Ryan, shared his thoughts on the lottery. “People complain about income disparity, but if something like this can happen to a guy like Mitt, then anything is possible. This is karma at work.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…