Stanford sources are pleased to report that last week’s election proceeded unusually smoothly and without the melodrama and fuss that typically accompanies ASSU elections. “Nothing really happening here,” said ASSU Elections Commissioner Adam Adler, as he made the final move in a game of computer solitaire.
“Normally, elections are filled with over-the-top rhetoric, controversies, and candidates demanding my vote, but this year, it’s as if people didn’t even know we had an election,” said Brad Donovan ’12. “Where were the personal attacks and the dirty campaigns, the pleas for dignity, and the demand for respect? It felt like the candidates were just phoning it in.”
ASSU President-Elect Robbie Zimbroff apologized for the uneventful elections cycle. “If I could do the election over again, I would definitely make things more interesting—we could even light something on fire or cheat on our significant others.”