Joshua Melman recently applied for a government-backed loan after paying 10 dollars per drink for every meal for this quarter. “It was a different time” said Melman, referring to the exorbitant excesses of late September 2013. “I felt like I was untouchable–like I could do and drink whatever I wanted. ‘Whey? Hell yeah. That little grass patch that grows next to the cash register? Fill ‘er up.’ I should have known better.”

Melman’s parents were reportedly unaware of Joshua’s addiction to the highly popular blends of berries, yogurt, and juices that Jamba Juice offers. “We had known that Josh liked the Arizona teas and the Fuze Juices or whatever the kids call it. We just didn’t realize that it was such a strong gateway drink…Sobe LifeWater took away the son we loved.” After learning that Joshua’s RAs had found him passed out in dorm room covered in Chobani yogurt and strawberry slices, repeatedly mumbling the phrase “Chia Seed Boost, please,” the Melmans made the decision to sever all ties they had with Joshua.

According to reports, Melman was last seen attempting to steal blenders, yogurt, and frozen blueberries from brunch at Wilbur dining hall.

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