Stanford sophomore Marcus Stevenson took considerably too many peppermint-flavored mints after a recent meal at an upscale Italian restaurant on University Avenue, which authorities have refused to identify.
Traumatized witnesses reported seeing the twenty-year-old suspect seize anywhere between a “veritable shitload” and a “kilometric fuckton” of the red and white striped candies from the courtesy mint bowl sitting near the door. There have been no reports as to whether the porcelain bowl sustained any structural damage after such a significant percentage of its contents were suddenly removed.
“The hostess was standing right there getting ready to seat the next party,” said trip-organizer Ryan Dunfield in a statement intended to relieve some of the group’s collective guilt, “I guess we tipped generously and what not, but I don’t know if I’ll feel comfortable going back to that restaurant anytime soon.”
Stevenson did made a token effort to offer a portion of his mints to the other group members, especially those who had not been able to grab any due to the large crater he had excavated in the middle of the bowl, but the sweet peppermint flavor did nothing to assuage the nauseous feeling of guilt that most of his friends were experiencing.
“I totally wanted one of those mints cause the cannoli kinda left a weird taste in my mouth,” admitted Dunfield, “But after seeing how Marcus ravaged that bowl like a third-world colony, I just couldn’t stomach it anymore.”
When asked what would have happened if the restaurant had offered the green and black mints in addition to the standard red-and-white variety, Dunfield simply dropped his gaze and muttered, “God help us all.”
