WASHINGTON, D.C–Amid skepticism of the future viability of the Social Security program, the government passed a sweeping reform to protect your social life and ensure your long-term social viability.
Government statistics have shown that America’s awkwardness has grown 80% each year since the Internet went viral in the 90s. This growth is expected to skyrocket even further over the next decade now that more and more Americans are spending time on computers.
“We find people across the nation asking, what is Social Security doing for me?” said Barack Obama in an address to the nation. “Well folks, make no mistake, today we have an answer to that question. Social Security will make sure you never eat alone at a dining hall table. Social Security will go to parties with you, and once you are there, Social Security will prevent you from making any horrible mistakes.”
Despite the obvious need for reform, many Republicans are unhappy with the government requiring Social Security for all. “My son’s the star of the football team and has a hot girlfriend,” exclaimed South Carolina resident, Brock Samuelson, III. “Why should he have to protect the nerds and the goths? He don’t need no god damn Social Security.”
Republican contender Ricky Perry chimed in on the reform. “The program is all backwards. What incentives will people have to be social? People will just rely on the social safety net, and probably lose small-talk skills altogether. This is no less of a Ponzi Scheme than it was before. Just look at the numbers–we don’t have enough popular people to support the socially infirm. Social security is just a train wreck waiting to happen. God told me so.”