On the first night of the quarter, the residence of Kappa Sigma set a record for the number of girls caught spending the night. The grand total of thirty-two girls shattered the previous record of three, a figure that had stood on the books since 1924.

Especially surprising was the accomplishment of this feat without The Cage, a device that had been a prominent girl magnet at past events. On the morning following this monumental evening, girls were spotted in locations as varied as the bathroom and the hallways.

The nearby frat, Theta Delt, reportedly has been doing undercover research on Kappa Sig during meals to pick up techniques on “getting some.” “They just had so many bitties over last night. I was like daaaamn!” said Theta Delt resident, Tommy Frye. “I don’t know how they got so many, but mad props, bro.”

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