After years of low attendance and a reputation for uninspired events, the Office of Alcohol Policy and Education at Stanford was due for a change. That’s why this week, in what administrators are calling, “a much needed rebranding,” Cardinal Nights will begin to offer free cocaine at their events and functions.

“We realized that we were never going to attract the real high-risk drinkers with hot air balloons and build-a-bear workshops,” said Elliott Johnson, President of Cardinal Nights. “Then we had a breakthrough. Everyone may like free Cream, but what does everyone love? Free cocaine! We immediately ordered 2 kilos for the quarter.”

Some students are less sure about the changes to Cardinal Nights. “My friends and I don’t dig the party scene, so Cardinal Nights was always a safe place for us,” said Susie Shates, a sophomore in Crothers. “But when I showed up to their screening of ‘Inside Out,’ the event host blew cocaine in my face and told me to whisper the Powder Secret. It made me uncomfortable. I don’t like this new Cardinal Nights.”

“You don’t need to drink to have fun,” said Johnson with a big smile, “but you do need to do cocaine.”

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