After several years of continued success on the gridiron, President Hennessy announced that Stanford University would transfer all funds dedicated to academics to the championship-contending football program. “Honestly, the average American does not give two shits that we’re one of the best academic schools in the country,” Hennessy explained as he tore off his suit to reveal a #12 Andrew Luck jersey. “But what they do care about is our yards per carry. We’re simply supplying a demand.” When asked for an opinion, SEC fans shouted incoherently.

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