With the ASSU voting whether to give student groups access to the list of students who requested a refund from that group, the groups have devised ways to ensure that you never do it again. Here a few of their tactics.

STANFORD SPEAKERS BUREAU: Hire your celebrity crush to come give a speech about how miserable and pathetic of a person you are.

SEXUAL HEALTH PEER RESOURCE CENTER: Poke holes in your condoms (if you’re a man). If you’re a woman, assume that karma will take the men with holes in their condoms to you.

STANFORD SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA: Follow you around all day playing “Who Let the Dogs Out” on the violin.

MOCK TRIAL: Elaborately pretend to get mad at you.

STANFORD STUDENTS IN ENTERTAINMENT: Actually totally don’t blame you for wanting your money back. Still wondering how they got special fees in the first place.

STANFORD SHAKESPEARE COMPANY: Compare thee to a summer’s day, and find thou are less lovely and temperate

JEWISH STUDENTS ASSOCIATION: Just try getting a job at a bank or media organization after you graduate. Just try.

QUEER-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE: Label you as part of the Jerk-Asshole alliance.

STANFORD AXE COMMITTEE: Well gee, they’ve got this nice sharp axe…

STANFORD FILM SOCIETY: Lock you in a room with only a projector and a copy of Eat, Pray, Love to keep you company.

BASMAATI RAAS: Ruthlessly hunt you down over the next quarter and make the following words painfully familiar: “Do you know what you did? You asked for a refund from Basmaati Raas. Basmaati fucking Raas. Now get on your knees and beg. And maybe we’ll leave a few of your bones unbroken.”

BARRIO ASSITANCE: Deploy hundreds of adorable Latino children to stare at you with quivering lips, start sobbing and ask why you hate them.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…