With the ASSU voting whether to give student groups access to the list of students who requested a refund from that group, the groups have devised ways to ensure that you never do it again. Here a few of their tactics.

STANFORD SPEAKERS BUREAU: Hire your celebrity crush to come give a speech about how miserable and pathetic of a person you are.

SEXUAL HEALTH PEER RESOURCE CENTER: Poke holes in your condoms (if you’re a man). If you’re a woman, assume that karma will take the men with holes in their condoms to you.

STANFORD SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA: Follow you around all day playing “Who Let the Dogs Out” on the violin.

MOCK TRIAL: Elaborately pretend to get mad at you.

STANFORD STUDENTS IN ENTERTAINMENT: Actually totally don’t blame you for wanting your money back. Still wondering how they got special fees in the first place.

STANFORD SHAKESPEARE COMPANY: Compare thee to a summer’s day, and find thou are less lovely and temperate

JEWISH STUDENTS ASSOCIATION: Just try getting a job at a bank or media organization after you graduate. Just try.

QUEER-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE: Label you as part of the Jerk-Asshole alliance.

STANFORD AXE COMMITTEE: Well gee, they’ve got this nice sharp axe…

STANFORD FILM SOCIETY: Lock you in a room with only a projector and a copy of Eat, Pray, Love to keep you company.

BASMAATI RAAS: Ruthlessly hunt you down over the next quarter and make the following words painfully familiar: “Do you know what you did? You asked for a refund from Basmaati Raas. Basmaati fucking Raas. Now get on your knees and beg. And maybe we’ll leave a few of your bones unbroken.”

BARRIO ASSITANCE: Deploy hundreds of adorable Latino children to stare at you with quivering lips, start sobbing and ask why you hate them.

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